Surviving
Alone: A Final Chapter for Eden Robinson’s Monkey
Beach
The sound of a
speedboat gets closer and closer. I lay still for a long time, or I
think it is a long time. I don’t know. At first...I feel like...I
think I may float away, float back to...wherever I was. Jimmy! Things
slowly become real again, too real. I sit up too fast and my head
spins. Jimmy is shaking his head again. “Tell her, “Tell her,”
“Tell her.” I reach out my hand, but he’s not there. I am
remembering. I saw Jimmy! Where did I see Jimmy? Mick was there too.
“You go out there and give ‘em hell. Red power!” But Ma-ma-oo
wants grandkids. Where are they? I shake my head, slowly. It feels
both full and empty. I do not understand, or am I trying to ignore
the understanding I already have? Jimmy was with Ma-ma-oo and Mick,
but Ma-ma-oo and Mick are dead.
“It’s a dream”
I tell myself sternly. Ma-ma-oo had told me “Never trust the spirit
world too much. They think different from the living.” What about
Tab? I thought I saw her dead. I thought I saw her ghost, but she was
alive. Jimmy is too. I pretend I am sure of it. I try to stand up,
but cannot. I touch my right hand to my head which hurts a little. I
look down and see the shallow cut on my left hand. That hurts too,
but only faintly. I rub it absently and it bleeds again. I remember
something. There was a thing. I have a vague memory that has to do
with blood that makes me shudder. I press a leaf to the cut to
staunch the flow. I remove the leaf and look at it. It is bloody but
the cut is dry again. I look around me quickly. I am still
remembering and afraid of that thing, but nothing happens. I pile
dirt on the blood stained leaf until it is lost beneath a small mound
of earth.
I finally manage to
stand. My boat is gone, but I hear it. Or is that another boat? The
noise is coming closer. I take a deep breath. I know where I am, but
I don’t know where I was or do I have that backwards? I long for
Mick, for Ma-ma-oo, for Jimmy. No, Jimmy is different. I close my
eyes. Will they come to me? “When it’s your time to go, you go.
Nothing you can do will change it. We’re where we belong, but you
have to go back.” Go back? Where did I go back to and where was I
before right now? I think I belong with Jimmy, but every moment seems
to take me away from him. The boat get’s closer and someone waves.
It is not an “oh it’s good to see you” sort of wave but a
really frantic one. I wave too, by impulse, but my wave is more
relaxed. I am still too confused to be frantic. Someone yells. I
don’t know what they are saying, but then I do, they are yelling "Lisa." They know me and they want me, as if they knew that I belonged
with them. It is Uncle Geordie.
“Lisa!” He yells
as he comes closer. I think I can see the relief flowing off of his
face. I feel weak, like something sapped away all of my energy. I
don’t know why I feel so weak but I feel like I am going to fall.
It is hard to stay standing. He jumps out of the boat pulling it up
to safety. I walk towards him on shaky legs but then I start to sway.
I fall, but he catches me and helps me into the boat. He wraps a
blanket around me and hands me a thermos of warm tea. We sit in
silence for a long time as we move away from Monkey Beach. I watch it
disappear into the distance. I don’t know if I am sad to see it go,
or maybe just relieved. For a moment I think I see Jimmy again. He is
standing on the beach. He calls out to me, but his voice is lost to
the wind and waves. I think of asking Geordie to stop and turn
around, but I don’t. I suppose deep down I know that it isn’t
really him, or at least, if it is Jimmy I know we cannot save him. I
watch until he is a spec, but I am looking for the Aux’gwalas.
There is something in the woods just out of sight. Or maybe they have
already left, just as I am leaving.
We go on for a long
time in silence and then Uncle Geordie asks “Do you know how
worried we were?” He looks really mad, or maybe just frustrated, or
is that fear I see on his face? Then his face softens and the next
time he speaks his voice is really calm and quiet. “You know what,
its fine. You’ll hear enough of it from the others, but Lisa, your
parents...they called to say...to say they are coming back...and when
they heard you weren’t in the house...Lisa you’re all they have
now that...” He stops himself from saying something. He looks at me
hard like he’s checking to see if I was listening, but then he
looks away real quick. I was and I wasn’t. He clears his throat “no
I...” For one moment I think he’s going to cry, but he doesn’t
“I’m just glad you’re alright.” I’m tired. I fall asleep on
the boat. It is not the most comfortable place to sleep but I do it
and I don’t dream at all, thank goodness, or do I wish I could
dream? I can’t decide.
I don’t remember
anyone ever sitting me down and telling me outright that Jimmy has
passed away. Maybe they did at some point and I just forgot about it.
All I remember is that eventually I stopped denying it and so did
everyone else. Josh has died too I guess, but again I have no memory
of being told this. I don’t go to his funeral. I can’t because of
what I have seen. Real or not real it burns in my mind’s eye, it
makes me sick. I don’t tell anyone. I want to avoid their concern
or more trips to a therapist; I’ve had enough of that. All I need is Ma-ma-oo’s advice. I just tell them I don’t feel well, they
tell me I need closure and I say I will go to Jimmy’s funeral. I am
so glad they decided to do two separate funerals. I go to bed for a
nap and let them assume I was just grief stricken, when really it is
anger I feel. I don’t know if I am angry at Josh or angry at Jimmy
for taking it upon himself to kill the bastard. Maybe I am angry at
both of them. No, I don’t want to be angry at Jimmy.
All
that afternoon I hear Jimmy’s voice in my head saying “Tell her”
“Tell her” “Tell her.” I want to scream at him to tell her
himself, but maybe Karaoke wouldn’t believe a ghost. I don’t know
how to do it. I don’t really know if I will, but I know I should
and I think about it a lot. When I go to Jimmy’s funeral I see her
out of the corner of my eye. It happens when I turn my face away so
mom won’t see me cry. I turn away and there she is sitting way at
the back. I think she must have forgiven him for leaving. I think she
must have loved him. I don’t know how that makes me feel. “Tell
her” “Tell her” “Tell her.” Jimmy says. “OK, OK, OK.” I
think these words hard, directing my thoughts at his stupid ghost, or
memory, or whatever it is. I just want him to shut up.
I
go over there one day and knock at the door. She answers but then
shuts it when she sees that it’s me. I don’t know why she does
this. What reason does she have to be mad at me? I’m just trying to
help. "Bitch," I think, unnecessarily. Grief does stupid shit to
people’s minds and I shouldn’t get mad at her, but it’s hard
when your own brother is dead and you just want to cry, but you have
to go solving everyone else’s shitty problems. I knock again. The
door opens just a crack and I stick my foot in. “Lisa” she says
“I...” Her voice is really hard and I have to swallow and focus
on my words. I remember that she is a tough girl, beautiful, but
tough. “Listen,” I say “there is something Jimmy told me before
he left and I think you need to know.” I lie a little, so she won’t
think I’m crazy, so she’ll listen to what I have to say. “I...”
She wavers between telling me to fuck off and letting me in. “Let
me in.” I say “Just for one cup of coffee.” “OK.” I come
into a kitchen strewn with empty beer bottles and I realize she is
swerving when she walks and slurring all her words.
“I
know about Josh.” I say once we’ve sat down with coffee. It just
comes out so fast and so blunt, this is not how I meant to do it. I
should have written it down and just left her a letter. I wanted to
do it right, but this is all wrong. Her hand goes really stiff and
then white because she is gripping her mug so hard. “Get out” she
says real quiet through tight lips. I don’t move “Get out, get
out, get out.” She is shaking and her voice is rising. “Jimmy knew
too” I say it so quiet I’m worried she didn’t hear me, she is
still shaking with anger. “He knew and he loved you and...” She
freezes now as I take it out of my pocket, the ring I finally found.
I’m so afraid I’m doing this wrong, is this even what Jimmy
meant? “He wanted you to have this” I say pushing it over to her.
She starts shaking again as she reaches for the box and her eyes are
flooding with tears. “Why would you tell me this!” she screams
throwing the box across the table. “What the fuck does it matter
now that he’s gone! Fuck you and get out of my house!” She is
yelling so loud I can’t hear anything else. I’m shaking too when
she reaches for the nearest empty. She’s going to throw it at my
face. I have to do something.
“He
loved you and he wanted you to have this.” I say it again, loud but
calm and steady. “He loved you and he wanted you to have this.”
It’s like I’m casting a spell. “He never really left you, and
even now he is just waiting to be with you once again. Go and do what
you feel is best. Live your life until you can be together again.
Jimmy’s dying gift to you was killing the bastard. It’s all done
now.” “Josh?” She says, freezing again. “Dead bastard’s
dead.” I say real quiet. “Jimmy...?” “Jimmy’s your knight in
shining armor.” I say with some irony thinking of my brother, but I
know it’s true when I say He loved you.” And that’s that, I
don’t know if I did it right, but I know I leave still living. I
wasn’t too afraid though. “When it’s your time to go, you go.
Nothing you can do will change it. We’re where we belong.” I
don’t care if I die now, I don’t really care what happens. I did
what he asked; he can’t get mad at me now.
“You did what?”
Tab asks. It is early October, more than a month has gone by. “I
applied to university for next year.” I say again. “Well big whoop
miss fancy pants.” “Tab don’t, I want to do this.” I stop for
a minute than say real quiet “For Jimmy.” Tab swallows, nods,
pauses. “What are you going to study?” She asks it quiet and her
voice has changed, some of its usual toughness is missing. “I don’t
know.” I say, “I’m going in undeclared but I might take English,
or Zoology.” She raises an eyebrow but says nothing. I like English
myself, at least it is not too hard, but I’m thinking of Jimmy and
his crows. I don’t tell Tab that. I hear Jimmy’s voice: “I’m
going to set up a research center to study them” “I’ve already
decided, this is what I want to do. I have a new direction.” “I
thought that was my whole life ending, but it’s just starting. Do
you know how free I feel? I feel like everything’s just opened up.
Everything. The sky’s the limit!” At the time I thought he was
crazy, just denying how much it hurt to lose a dream. I don’t know,
maybe that is what he was doing, and maybe that is what I am doing
too, but I don’t care. It’s to honor Jimmy, I tell myself. I’m
going to school to honor Jimmy.
In my last week of
the following summer I visit Karaoke. We’ve been hanging out
sometimes and I promise to write. I’m not even really doing it for
Jimmy anymore. I used to think he just liked her because she was hot,
but there are other things about her that have grown on me now. I
even told her about ghosts and she didn’t laugh. I didn’t tell
her about Jimmy yet, just Mick and Ma-ma-oo. I mentioned the little
man and she reacted a little funny, but she didn’t call me crazy. I
didn’t tell her about the thing, though. I say goodbye to Frank
too, but I don’t promise to write to him, but who knows, I still
might.
I go to the
graveyard all by myself the day before I leave for university. “Hi
Ma-ma-oo” I say. I feel uncomfortable, a little silly, yet –
somehow – it feels right. I make a fire in silence and start to
feed it the uh
–unt that
I brought with plenty of salt and soy sauce this time. “There is
nothing fake in here Ma-ma-oo!” I say out loud. “It is just the
good stuff. No sickness where you are right? No salt substitutes
needed where you are.” I feel silly for a minute and I sit there in
silence. “I’m going to school Ma-ma-oo” I say. “I think I am
going to study animals, birds I think, or maybe I will study
literature, the stories of this country, even the stories of our
people.” I don’t expect a response. I know the dead are real. I
know they can speak to me, but sometimes I still feel nervous when I
speak to them. Suddenly I hear her as clear as if she were sitting
beside me even though it is just a memory. “My crazy girl. Go home
and make me some grandkids.” “Maybe someday” I tell her. Now, I
am not at all ashamed to sit here speaking out loud to the dead.
“Maybe I’ll meet a man at university. Or maybe I’ll come back
once I’ve figured a few things out and fall in love with some guy
here. Don’t give up on me yet ok? I just need to do this, for Jimmy
and for Mom and Dad, and...” I pause a long time before I admit it
real quiet “for me, I don’t really want to stay here and work
forever at the cannery. I don’t really want to go back to Van and
hop from one party to the next. Ma-ma-oo, I know you want grandkids,
but this is my way out so that if they come I can give them a good
life.”
Eventually I leave
and I go home. This will be my last night in this bedroom before I
leave for my new school. I look at the dresser where the little man
used to come and then I close my eyes and I am asleep. That night I
dream I am back there, on Monkey Beach, or wherever I was before
Uncle Geordie found me. Everyone is there with me again: Ma-ma-oo,
Ba-ba-oo, Mick, and Jimmy. “I told her” I say to Jimmy. He nods
and I can tell he is glad, but he is going away, or am I going away?
Everybody is happy. I hear more singing, it is in Haisla. “Thank
you for the uh
–unt.”
Ma-ma-oo says, “More Soy next time.” “Don’t forget my
Twinkies.” says Ba-ba-oo. “Hey little Monster,” says Mick “you’re
going to school! Knock em dead! you’ll be fine, you got the red
power.” “Why did you send me back?” I am yelling “Jimmy!
Where is Jimmy” “Not your time, not your time. Not yet, you will
know when.” Says my Ma-ma-oo. I wake in a cold sweat, but I am not
afraid or sad or much of anything. What sticks with me most is the
singing. I am soon asleep again and all I dream of is the wind in the
trees carrying song to me and the smell of Ma-ma-oo’s cooking.
I still see them
sometimes. All of them: Mick, Ma-ma-oo, Jimmy. The little man never
does come back, but sometimes when I sleep I see my family. I see
them when I am awake too, but only if I am alone and they never talk
to me in the day. I know it is not my time yet. I know I need to be
here, but it is hard some days, when all my papers are due and exams
are looming and I picture Jimmy talking excitedly about his crows and
think that I am failing him. There are days when the darkness is too
much for me to handle. Sometimes it is a birthday of a loved one, or
the day they died. Some days the darkness leaps out at me all at once
when I am not expecting it. Maybe I see a crow or someone tells a
story about Monkey Beach or the Aux’gwalas
and
suddenly I cannot breathe and I am certain I am drowning, then it
passes and I breathe deep and move forward.
During the worst
times I come home. I take offerings of food down with me to the grave
yard and light a fire. I sit there and talk. It is simple, but
sometimes it is enough just to know that they are there and I can
look into the darkness at the stars and try to believe I am not alone
in this world. I will stand. I will put out the fire. I will go home
and I will go back to school. I will work hard. I will survive, but
for now, in this moment, it is just me and the stars and the ghosts
that I love.
Explanation
I decided that Jimmy
was dead because he was in “The Land of the Dead” with Ma-ma-o
and Mick. Of course, Lisa could have imagined everything she saw on
Monkey Beach, just like when she imagined Tab’s ghost and wondered
if she “was hallucinating” (Robinson 301), or “had alcohol
poisoning” (Robinson 302). She was, however, sober on Monkey Beach.
There is also a lot more detail to her vision of The Land of the Dead
than there is in her dream of Tab’s ghost and it includes a lot of
the elements of previous visions that she accepted as reality. For
example, the thing which feeds on her blood resembles the thing she
encounters in the therapists office. Her visions on the beach are
very realistic. They provide the reader with a lot of information
that they need to figure out what happened to Jimmy and what will
happen to Lisa. If the vision was false, the reader would be left back
at square one with no idea of who is dead and who is not, or what is
going to happen next.
If the vision is
taken seriously than it is only logical to assume that Lisa is not
dead since Ma-ma-moo so firmly insisted that “When it’s your time
to go, you go [...] nothing you can do or say will change it. We’re
where we belong, but you have to go back” (Robinson 372). Her
parents were not present in the vision, suggesting that their search
for Jimmy did not end in their deaths. After I made this
interpretation of the vision I had do decide what would happen to
Lisa. I could not write her death, and I did not think she would
survive long on Monkey beach so I had to figure out how she left. It
is noted that her boat was “drifting away in the tide” (Robinson
370), but the novel ends by saying “In the distance, I hear the
sound of a speedboat” (Robinson 374). Near the beginning of the
novel, Lisa notes that at least her Aunt Edith’s “way of dealing
with stress gets the housework done” (Robinson 40). All of her
efforts to clean the house and feed Lisa suggest that she will worry
when she discovers that Lisa has left on her own, so it makes sense
that she would send her husband to find Lisa.
All I knew about
what Lisa would do after she left the beach was that she needed to
talk to Karaoke since, in the vision, Jimmy said “Tell her”
(Robinson 374). I noticed that at the start of the book it is “Late
summer” (Robinson 2) while at the end of the book it is noted that
she is in school with Karaoke when Jimmy first leaves. She was in
grade twelve since the year before that she mentions being “Still
high from surviving the first half of grade eleven” (333). This
means she probably graduated high school, but it is too late for her
to go to university that fall. Lisa could have given up on life, but
since that option was already explored in Vancouver, I wanted to
explore what would happen if she did not and decided that she would
go to university the following year. She was cynical of Jimmy’s
hope for the future when he said he was going to study crows so
perhaps it seems strange that she would mimic his dreams.
I think that when
people mourn they can either spiral into darkness or they can hold
onto their hope no matter how feeble it is. Lisa had already
spiralled into darkness and I think that she may have learned the
futility of that kind of reaction. She will probably still have dark
days. Life will not be easy, but I think she will try to work towards
positive change. I wanted to honour Eden Robinson’s ambiguous style
so all I did was bring Lisa to university. At this point she does not
know what she will do with her degree if she manages to get it. She
does not even really know what she will major in. She also does not
know who she will fall in love with. I do not think it would be right
to answer every question because that is not how life is. There will
always be mystery and trouble and I think that part of what Robinson
does in her writings is illustrate what it is like to live in the
shadow of all that mystery and suffering. What I tried to do is show
how there is still hope within Robinson’s painful stories.
Well done!
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